Almost Lover
by lioness1120
Summary: Songfic to Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. Jacob considers his relationship with Bella.


A/N: I was inspired to write this while I was writing my other story, So Called Bliss, and I absolutely had to write this. Comments welcome!

**Disclaimer: Nothing but the plot is mine. Lyrics are from the song Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy.**

…………………………………………………………………

Jacob knew the exact moment he had lost her. He'd been there. Guarding her. And _Cullen_. His mortal enemy. The one person that could and would take Bella away from him. With him around, Jacob had no chance. He had never really had a chance. He was always second best, the second choice. He knew that deep down she had never stopped loving Edward. That didn't stop him from trying to make her forget him. Jacob had sworn to lay down his life for hers if need be. And he'd let her down. He had run away, like a coward, abandoning his duty. Really, it should be no surprise that Bella would pick someone good and honorable like Cullen. Even if he was a killer, at least he felt remorse from his actions.

Jacob felt no remorse. He felt no anger, no heartache. He felt nothing. He was an empty shell of a human being enshrouded in the body of a wolf. He had no desire to do anything. He would have died had not his wolf's survival instincts kicked in. He lived on autopilot now, considering the life that he'd once had.

He'd thought about their relationship so many times but until now, when he had nothing left, he had never really _thought_ about it. He knew that he loved her, more than anything else in the world. Bella was his world, his life, his happiness. That one kiss would be forever locked in his memory as the happiest moments of his life. That memory kept him alive.

_Your fingertips across my skin  
The palm trees swaying in the wind  
Images_

In those instants, a hundred possibilities of their future had passed before his eyes. Images, almost too fast to understand. Bella and him married, with kids, happy with each other. Images of the Cullens never coming back, of never having to fight again. A peaceful life interrupted only by the sands of time. Because everyone is supposed to die.

_  
You sang me Spanish lullabies  
The sweetest sadness in your eyes  
Clever trick_

He especially remembered Bella's face after the kiss. He could see into her eyes and he knew, at that moment, that she would never be his. She had pledged her life, the little that was left of it, to Cullen. And Jacob knew that he would never again see her alive.

_Well, I never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me_

That she would choose death over him was devastating. It had well and truly broken his heart. His soul was exposed to the wind. Nothing she could have done could have made him unhappier. Jacob would have done anything for her. He would have traveled to the moon and back if that would make her happy. And he had thought, that at least as friends, Bella would never do something that would hurt him so much.

_  
Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?_

He had tried not to think about her. About how her wedding day and the day that she died were approaching. Sometimes, he blocked it out during the day. By day, he was an empty shell. But by night, oh by night, he was a roiling maelstrom of emotions. At night, the dreams came full force. Images of his beautiful Bella lying cold and pale, turned into his mortal enemy. Innocent Bella, a killer just like the others. He tried to block it out but he was no match for the force of his emotions. _  
_

_So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
Should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do_

Now Jacob knew how Leah had felt when Sam had imprinted on her own cousin. Leah, left completely behind and then to have to turn into a werewolf and know the full extent of Sam's love for Emily. Her pain was shared by all. Jacob imagined that now the pack had two equal sets of pain to deal with. He didn't really care anymore though. Broken hearts will do that to a person.

_We walked along a crowded street  
You took my hand and danced with me  
Images  
And when you left, you kissed my lips  
You told me you would never, never forget  
These images_

Oh, but the dreams were the worst. Dreams of him and Bella happy. Dreams that would fool him until he awoke and realized that instead of living a life with her, he was bedded down on dirt and leaves, somewhere in the woods of Canada. Those were the times he would howl at the moon, begging the images to stop running through his head at night.

_No_

_Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy  
I thought you'd want the same for me_

He would still do anything for her. Anything to see her happy. That's what he had always believed. Until she choose Cullen. But even now, with her impending death, he couldn't bear to see her unhappy.

_  
Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?  
So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
Should've known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do_

That's what Bella was. His _almost_ lover. He had _almost_ fulfilled his dream. He had _almost_ been happy. But you can't live a life on almosts. And so, Jacob wasn't truly living.

_I cannot go to the ocean  
I cannot drive the streets at night  
I cannot wake up in the morning  
Without you on my mind  
So you're gone and I'm haunted  
And I bet you are just fine_

Jacob was sure that by now Bella had moved on. Why couldn't he? And he realized that even the half-living he had been doing wasn't enough. This could ever be a permanent solution. He couldn't wake up from dreams of her every night. It was torture and he couldn't live like that anymore. So he devised a plan.

_Did I make it that  
Easy to walk right in and out  
Of my life?_

He had thought to implement his plan immediately. But he couldn't do it. Just the thought of her kept him from doing it. She had walked right out of his life so why couldn't he detach himself from hers?

_  
Goodbye, my almost lover  
Goodbye, my hopeless dream  
I'm trying not to think about you  
Can't you just let me be?  
So long, my luckless romance  
My back is turned on you  
Should have known you'd bring me heartache  
Almost lovers always do_

He knew she would be fine without him. She would even be happy. The Cullens, however despicable they were, would take care of her. That fact did nothing to console him. There was nothing left that he could do. He had done everything that he could to change her mind yet nevertheless, it hadn't been enough. One day, he finally realized that it wasn't she that needed him; he was the one who needed her. And he wouldn't live without her.

'_Goodbye my almost lover,'_ Jacob thought as he stared down the muzzle of the shotgun held by the farmer whose flock he had been terrorizing for the past week. He didn't think it would have taken this long for someone to come after him. After all, he had been flirting with death for months now. Ever since he realized that he could not live without his human Bella, he knew that death was the only answer. As the farmer cocked the hammer to the gun, he finally felt at peace. After searching so long for this answer, he had finally found the person to give it to him. And he was happy.

A/N: This is my first song-fic and a bit of a different style than I'm used to writing so please read and review!


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